So here's what happens now

Over the last month or so, sometime after the last SG issue was released, I've been in something of a quandary. I'm going to try and not bore you with it but any of you who've 'known' me for a while won't be surprised by what I'm about to say.

Essentially I've been having one of my periodic internal struggles, where I question why I'm doing this (writing mask fiction) and why I'm not doing something else (writing mainstream fiction). As usual my internal responses went all over the emotional spectrum, from "Screw this, I'm quitting and never coming back" to "Why the hell shouldn't I do this" with "God, I hate myself for even having this sort of internal debate" stuck somewhere in the middle.

I think I've resolved the debate now, and I think you guys will be happy to hear I didn't let the extremely negative side win out. However, I've also decided to try something new.

The simple facts of the matter are these. Despite it driving me near-insane some days, I've resigned myself to the fact that no-one out there seems interested in potentially paying me for writing mask fiction. You, like every other bastard out there on the Internet, are almost certainly more interested in getting your rocks off for free, than in paying for it. To some degree I understand this - hey, everyone needs to budget - but at the same time, there's a part of me which becomes very angry about this, as basically I work my ass off and if I'm lucky, get the odd email and comment.

This is not, I will state clearly, either a request for more kiss-ass comments, or a plea for you to send money. I am, as I said, resigned to the fact.

However, I am not getting any younger, and the Ghostly Writer who sat down ten years ago (Yes, ten years) to write Beneath the Veil is now older, wiser and more cantankerous. What he (er, I) also knows is that there is a market for my mainstream writing, that I am capable of turning out good stuff that doesn't involve endless disguises and that perhaps... maybe... if I apply myself I might even see some financial gain, or even better career possibilities, if I pursue that path.

The internal debate, in case you're wondering, always centres around time. Do I have enough time to do both - keep writing mask fiction and try to write mainstream fiction too. And the answer I've come back with previously has always been 'no' because in my experience, I've found myself focused on either one thing or the other. There's never been room in my head for both.

Well, now I'm going to try and make room. As of today, I set my alarm 20 minutes earlier, got my ass out of bed and sat and wrote mask fiction. (Yes, I'm blogging this in the same time block. Eh, it's related.) Tonight after I get home from work, the gym, whatever - I'm going to sit down at some point and whatever I write, it won't be mask fiction. Tomorrow, I repeat.

Then we'll see how we go from there.

That's it for now. I know I have a tendency to ramble on about this so I didn't want to go on too long. However, I would be very happy to hear your views on this, especially regarding payment for services rendered... in other words giving me something back for endless hours spent at the keyboard.

Oh by the way? The first person who suggests that I should "write because I love it, and that should be reward enough" can (a) fuck right off my site and (b) try writing for themselves for a lifetime without anything to show for it apart from some occasional appreciative comments. Glad we're clear.